Tuesday Sickness

In spite of the fact that I did make it out to vote, I did not, however, make it into work. I left the voting site, got all the way to the office and turned right back around. I just needed to come home and rest. I really think I've been pushing my body a bit more than I should have recently. I know I'm pregnant but part me keeps thinking that I can continue on as always.

In the midst of that, I called my grandmother and told her thathat she sick and going home. Well, she decided that she had been wanting to talk to me about my baby shower. Apparently, she does not want me to start planning it because she says it's bad luck for me to love this baby too much. I just don't get it. One minute people are telling me to enjoy the pregnancy because it is a wonderful experience and then I have my grandmother telling me to not get so excited until I'm 7 months. No! I'm happy that I'm pregnant and enjoying every moment of it. I am not going overboard planning. As I explained to her, we don't live in a small town and cant' have baby showers at our homes like they do. My child is due in the middle of the summer when every one gets married. I have to start looking for space or be shit out of luck.

I sometimes feel like no one has any regard for my feelings during my pregnancy. This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life and as I look over past posts, I see and read nothing but sadness and heartache. I am not sad about this child, but people are sure saying the things to make me feel like I should not relish and enjoy this blessing. God blessed me with this child, so who am I not to be grateful and thankful for His gift? All I asked is people be happy for me for once in my life. I keep feeling like everything I do is just not good enough. When is it all good enough? I just can't seem to do anything right. Nothing. I don't get it. I can't have man commit to me, I can't make my parents happy, I can't satisfy my job, I can't make ends meet the way they should. Sigh. I just dont get it.

I called my cousin Brian last night. Naturally he was upset that I didn't call him and tell him about my pregnancy but he was over it immediately. Interestingly, he brought up a convo he had with my father. Apparently my father feels that I may remain so career oriented that I won't ever want to marry. Can you believe that? My cousin told him that he highly doubts that is the case and that I just don't believe in making rash decisions. Of course I don't! I do want to marry and would love to marry K and we raise our child together but I will not marry a man that does not love and respect me as a woman and not just as the mother of his child. I want a man to love me wholeheartly. I mean, love me so much that even soul can feel it. I want a love that will stand the test of time and life. I want a love that is like I Corithians 13 in the Bible. Why would I just up and marry someone just because? No, when a man is mature and ready and that's something we both want, then I will marry.

Valentines day is coming up and I wonder how things will be that day. For me, no telling. Last year, K surprised me with dinner at his house and we watched movies. He bought me a bear and a coffee mug. I thought that was really sweet. He's not the mushy type but when he tries, it's really sweet and appreciated.

I suppose I'll get myself ready for bed so that I can go back to work tomorrow. Bills gotta paid, ya know.