48 hours into the new year and never have I been so emotionally messed up. I had a conversation yesterday with K about our 'relationship' and to conclude, there isn't one beyond the child. Hurt my feelings but I thought that after a year we would have some sort of defining moment. Not just for the child, but in general. Silly of me to think any different. It's just that right now, I need him the most emotionally and I don't have him.
To top things off, my mom calls this morning and basically says that they are not feeling very comfortable with our relationship as far as this child comes along. She called me a statistic, stating that I would be a 4th generation single mother, something she has worked hard to make sure I wouldn't be. She dreamed of giving me the big wedding and my dad walking me down the aisle, then me getting pregnant and my husband and I enjoying that time together. So after all their hard work and teachings, I've basically let them down as usual. What hurts most is the fact that EVERYTHING I've done in my life up until this point, has not been at the complete satisfaction of myself. No, sometimes I've done things because I know how happy it would make them. I've avoiding certain people, didn't wear certain things, didn't hang around certain people to keep things with them at bay. I don't let my parents rule my life but their opinion and perception matters a lot to me. And for them to say something like this....My mom, though she won't always admit it, has this perception of a perfect family. Well, I guess I would be the one to mess it all up as usual. Just never good enough. When is anything I do in this damn lifetime going to be good enough? Hell, I barely do things good enough for myself but I'm so tired. Lord, I'm so tired of trying so hard to do things that I think will make me better only to be let down in the end.
This is supposed to be one of the best and happiest times of my life and it has turned into one of the worst times. I have never been so unhappy and so hurt in all my life, even when all that mess with Lorenzo went down years ago. I keep wondering if this is something that came about after my parents went to Macon or they just sat around and thought about it on their own.
At this point, I can't do anything but walk away. NYE night he was so busy laughing at text someone sent him and calling one of his women, he didn't even bother to notice thatI noticed. I can't take the hurt and the wondering. I just keep thinking about the fact that when those "firsts" happen, I'll be by myself and have to call. *sigh* Never mind. It doesn't matter. All I want right now is to go home and lie in bed. I don't have an appetite but I'll force myself to eat something later today. I'm done with this issue.
For 2008, I have to do what I have to do and make it work in whatever way I can.
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