I've found myself riding into work without the radio on for the past couple of mornings. I'm not really sure why I've been doing that but now I'm contemplating if that's such a good idea. When I'm in silence, I tend to let my mind wander and think about things. Some things good, some things bad; lately it's been the bad. Not necessarily the bad per se, but rather the games people play. I consider myself a very straight-up person. I speak my mind, if I like it, I say it; if I hate it, I say it. One thing I don't like for people to do is play me for a fool or mess with my head. Something people need to understand about people is that we always know what's really going on. We're creatures of habit so when something is out of sync, all kinds of red flags go up. Lately, I've been seeing nothing but red and hate feeling that way. I hate being suspicious of people, especially those I care about.
One thing I've noticed that this pregnancy is testing is my mental capacity. There are going to be alot of things I will have to deal with emotionally, physically, and financially. I find myself already thinking about those things, because, you know me, I'd rather be forewarned and prepared than looking like a fool because I didn't know.
On a lighter note, a funny thing happened the other day. I got a call from a guy I knew years ago. We dated briefly but it didn't work. He was a dog and I wasn't having that. But we did manage to stay friends and keep in touch. Ironically, he called out of the blue to say hello and ask me out. I think I may have insulted him when I laughed after he posed the question. I just found it amusing that he would think to ask me out when I'm pregnant. Naturally I declined because, well, I'm pregnant but I also explained that I was seeing someone (my child's father). Call me wrong, but it felt kinda good to have a guy ask me out. It's not that it doesn't happen but the ones who have are dogs and only want one thing. I think one thing I want right now is to feel desired. Pointblank, I don't feel sexy. I'm so all over the place with this entry. The focus should be the pregnancy and today it's all about me.
A funny story: I seem to have cramps bad at night. I don't know why but I'm convinced this growing child in me has a lot to do with it. I've found that if I rub my belly and talk to him/her, it stops. *big smile* Kinda makes me feel good; like he/she is responding to me. I try to get in the habit of talking to my belly every morning and every night. More than anything, I want this baby to know that it is loved and meant to be here.
How I'm feeling:
A little depressed today, a little crampy, some nausea
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